Two of your employees are glaring at each other whenever they meet. An argument about a project has harmed your relationship with a peer. Conflict can be a destructive force in organizations, but is conflict always bad? Can we eradicate it? Conflict is a natural part of life, because as individuals we each have our own thoughts, feelings and opinions. If we never had to work with others, these differences might simply be interesting, but because working together requires that we make decisions and act on them, these differences can lead to disagreements, hurt feelings, and frustration. We don’t need to be harmed by workplace conflict. If we can recognize the root causes of conflict situations, we can make proactive choices of how to respond to our differences. While we won’t always “get our own way” in every situation, we can at least keep our relationships intact even when we don’t agree. Keeping relationships intact despite our differences is what conflict management is about. That and not letting disagreements get in the way of productivity and progress.
We experience conflict when: Our opinions differ, but a decision must be made: I say we should go left, and you say we should go right. Unfortunately my performance review is based on us both ending up in the correct place! You judge someone, and they continue to live up to your poor expectations: I knew he was unreliable, and now he is late to the meeting again! I can’t tolerate this! Our communication styles differ (or communication is poor), and someone decides this means disrespect: Janet is always interrupting me. She doesn’t value what I have to say! Someone has taken a specific action that makes us feel wronged: He went to that meeting and talked behind my back!
1. Accept that Conflict is Unavoidable. It’s not the end of the world when conflict happens. How you respond to conflict is the key to how effective you will be. 2. Go to the Source (Don’t wimp out) When you feel in conflict with someone, craft a plan for speaking to them and then go do it. Complaining to a third party, feeding your anger, or ignoring the problem are sure ways to let conflict simmer and grow. Be bold. 3. Use a Script Resolving conflict is not dissimilar to giving constructive feedback. The four step conversation goes like this. Step One: Say what you’ve observed Step Two: Say why it bothers you. Step Three: Describe the outcome you want. Step Four: Encourage the other person to share what they think. So for example: One: Jane, I’ve noticed that in meetings you frequently interrupt me mid-sentence. Two: This makes me feel embarrassed in front of the group, and also makes me feel like you don’t respect me. Three: I want to ask you to not interrupt me anymore. Four: Is that OK? Tell me what you think. Keeping a tone of “let’s resolve this problem together” will keep tensions lower. 4. Before you take offense, look for other explanations. The biggest mistake people make in times of conflict is assigning motive to other people. You may think that the person is doing what they did because they don’t respect you, but you don’t know what their motives are. Perhaps they are not paying attention. Perhaps they were raised differently. Perhaps they’re having a bad day. Give people the benefit of the doubt – but still confront them politely.
5. Remember, it takes two to tango. Even if the other person is mostly “at fault” you have complete control over your own behavior and your own reactions. No one can “make you upset” or “make you angry” or “make you get distracted” without your own consent. Don’t be tempted to blame others for what is your side of the equation. You are in charge of yourself. 6. Take a Time Out When you feel a conflict, it is often a good idea to take a break (a couple hours, even a day) before talking to the other party. Don’t let this little break turn into a month, but sometimes it is good for tempers to cool, and for you to have time to form a plan for communicating clearly. 7. Don’t Feed the Beast If you work with people who are in conflict, the worst thing you can do is listen to them complain about each other and feed that dynamic. While everyone needs a few minutes to vent once in a while, don’t participate in ongoing gossip and complaining about conflicts. You can take a leadership role by asking the person “What did they say when you brought this to their attention?” and by adding “I think you should talk to him/her about it. Can I help you do that?” if they are not going to the source. 8. Have an “Open Door” Mentality Tell the people around you that if you are causing a conflict (or if they think you are) that you want them to come talk to you about it. By being casual and open about feedback, people will trust that they can come to you without there being a screaming match. A good attitude is “I may not always agree with you, but I do want to know what you think, and I care about our good relationship.” 9. Bring in a Mediator If you’re in a conflict that you don’t see a way out of, it’s a good idea to bring in a third party that both people trust. A manager, your HR person, or a trusted advisor are all options. Involving someone in an authority position can sometimes increase the stress around a conflict, not decrease it, but when things get too intense for self-help a third party advocate can help things move forward. 10. Learn from Your Mistakes We all get into conflict and we all mess up. When this happens, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and ask “what should I do differently next time?” Then move on!
How savvy are you at managing conflict? Take this quick self-assessment to see. Strive to move more of your replies into the “often/always” category.
When conflict happens, I don’t get too stressed out. Never Sometimes Often Always During conflict, I pause to figure out what is causing it. Never Sometimes Often Always
I have the courage to talk to people I’m in conflict with and ask for what I need. Never Sometimes Often Always I am willing to look for what I can do to resolve conflicts, even when they are not “my fault.” Never Sometimes Often Always When people complain about coworkers, I remove myself from the conversation. Never Sometimes Often Always
I encourage others at work to “go to the source” when conflict happens. Never Sometimes Ofte Always
When I have a conflict, I talk directly to the person involved to resolve the issue. Never Sometimes Often Always No one can make me angry or distracted without my consent. Never Sometimes Often Always When my feelings get hurt, I try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Never Sometimes Often Always
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